“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”
– Anne Lamott
⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING: GRAPHIC AND TALKS ABOUT SEXUAL ASSAULT/ABUSE AND SEXUAL COERCION!!!! DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED IN ANY WAY BY THIS!!!! ⚠️
I’m writing this in one of my strongest, but yet weakest moments I have had in months. I debated whether or not to share my story, knowing people will want me to keep quiet and just “move on,” from everything that has happened to me. But I want to share my stories, not to expose, not to call them out even.. just to simply share what I went through and how I’m coping. I’m not the only one who has experienced this and I won’t be the last. I pray someone reads this and takes whatever they need to know from this blog. I pray someone can learn from what I have gone through no matter what side of the equation that they are on.
One in three women and one in six men experienced some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime. 91% of victims of rape and sexual assault are female, and nine percent are male. Do these numbers and percentages make you sick to your stomach? It should. What should make you even sicker is that one in five women or men who read this have either been raped or sexually assaulted in their lifetime. In fact, the very person who writes this, me, has been sexually assaulted. Why am I writing this you ask? Good question. I feel if we don’t speak up, use our voice, use our platforms, we aren’t putting any awareness out there! And as someone who is comfortable with sharing what I have gone through, something is telling me to share. Also, if you didn’t see there is a trigger warning above the quote, so if you are triggered by any of the sorts, I recommend you don’t read this until you are ready. Put yourself first, loves!
My first experience with sexual assault and where I experienced sexual coercion was as a college freshman. The boy and I who had gotten close started hooking up, with my consent the first go-round. He was pleasant, made sure I was comfortable with things, and that first hook-up nothing seemed off. After that first hook-up though, he started expecting it when and wherever he pleased simply because “he needed it.” If I did not give into his dying needs after he had a “bad day” I was very much given full attitude for it and called a tease. I was in Nike running shorts and a t-shirt which aren’t much of a teaser. The next time we hooked up, I really didn’t want to. I even said “no” but after getting so fed up with his begging, I gave up and ended up having a panic attack during but played it off to him as an “asthma attack.” I may have asthma, but no sex can make me have an attack like that. He got mad and told me I was being “weak” for giving out like that. Not too long after, he got even more comfortable, begging me for it. He’d come into a rehearsal room at school and just start touching my breasts to “calm him down.” Boys, if you need to “calm down,” I highly suggest something besides grabbing someone’s boobs without their permission. I told him no to sex many times and despite how many times I said “NO,” he still tried to coerce me every-time. I didn’t realize it then, but it was honestly sick what he was doing. No means no and if you continue to persist after someone straight-up says the words N-O, you’re trash. And pulling out your dick thinking you’re going to coerce me that way won’t work either. Should I have reported this? Yes, I should have. I expressed to him how uncomfortable it made me and yet he continued on. Sadly, I was too naive at this time to understand what was going on though as I had only had sex with one other boy. Looking back now, I should have reported it and ladies, REPORT THIS SHIT!!! DO NOT PUT UP WITH THIS SEXUAL ABUSE!! Vice versa!
Recently, in this exact month, once again I was sexually assaulted. It in fact completely triggered me. I was at my cousin’s birthday party, no it wasn’t a family party, the only family of mine there was my sister, her boyfriend, and my niece. Everyone else besides a mutual friend there, I didn’t know.
It got past midnight, I was dancing around with my cousin, and of course, we all happened to be a little drunk. Let me just say this, just because a man is drunk or you are drunk gives NO ONE has the right to touch you without your permission!! The entire night though, I had barely interacted with this guy. He played with my niece in his drunken state so I assumed he was no threat. I felt I was in a safe environment, with people who would make sure I was safe and taken care of. I was so wrong for assuming this. As I was dancing with my cousin, our mutual friend and my sister, the drunken guy who was just playing with my niece two hours ago reached over and crotch-grabbed me. My immediate reaction was triggered. I ran to my sister’s boyfriend, telling him a guy just “touched me down there and I needed to leave immediately.” He had me go find my sister up in my cousin’s house. (btw, the party was down in my cousin and her husband’s shop in their backyard.) I go and find my sister, I’m crying and shaking, telling her in my slurred words what had just happened, telling her exactly what I had just told her boyfriend. I didn’t want to go back down to that party, I wanted to LEAVE. I was in complete panic attack mode and do you know how long it took us to get out of there? At least 30 minutes. So please, be careful who you get drunk around. People won’t always protect you in the end. Sometimes our loved ones, well-intended as they may be, lack the ability to properly support us. And that’s okay. It means they don’t know what the pain of sexual violence feels like (thank God). They can easily say or do the wrong things and trigger us without meaning to. So, sometimes we have to rely on ourselves for encouragement.
How am I dealing with all of this PTSD and anxiety since all of this happened? The first few days, it was hard. I didn’t want to be touched by anyone, not even my own daughter. I distanced myself but kept my “safe people” close to me. So to those people, thank you. Your love, support, sympathy, and comfort means the world. Considering it’s been about two years since my college encounter with sexual assault and coercion, I clearly am not healed from it, but I am for sure in a much happier place than even a few months ago. If you are a survivor of sexual violence, just remember this, YOU ARE NOT YOUR ASSAULT AND YOUR ASSAULT IS NOT WHAT DEFINES YOU!!!!! You’re going to have your hard days, you’re going to have your even harder days, but in the end, you are a survivor. Your assault does not define you. You are so much more than a statistic or a victim. You are a Survivor. You control the choices you make and how you influence the world. You are your own person, mind, body, heart, and soul. You are valued and needed in this world. You are the author of your life. You decide the storylines and the story ends. I also believe you. No, it’s not your fault. And, I am so sorry. I’m sorry you were assaulted. I’m sorry for how it has affected your life. I’m sorry people blame you, don’t believe you, silence you and mistreat you. We did not ask to be touched. I know that. But most importantly, you know that however deep down that knowledge may be. If it seems impossible to overcome now; take it each day at a time. There will come a day when you feel more stable than broken, when you lose track of your “good day streak,” when you accept and even come to love your “new normal.” You will find your voice again, and maybe it’ll come back louder this time, and you can make something positive come out of this darkness. So, don’t let hope become a memory. Lift your chin and keep going. That’s what we do; we survive.
Sexual Assault and Suicide Hotlines below:
National Sexual Assault Hotline
• Call 1-800-656-4673
• Available 24 hours every day!!!!!!
• Online Chat
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
• Call 1-800-273-8255
• Available 24 hours every day!!!!!
• Online Chat
Kat And Baby 